Human beings doing

This has been a tough week. A woman I know, who has struggled with addiction, OD'ed and was found dead in a street.

It's hard to wrap one's head around such sadness, especially when I see how it has effected some of my friends. One is having a particularly hard time with it and has been beating himself up for not having done more for this person. All week I've found myself sharing about a God who loves and never abandons.

I don't believe God "let" her die. I believe in a Being who created us to experience life fully; a Being who will not stand in the way of our choices, and regardless of whether that Being "likes" our choices, does not abandon us because of them. I understand from my own experience that it sure feels as if God leaves me, but that just brings to mind the Footprints poem. God is with me and in me.

So how does this relate to my running? In my fear of losing my willingness to run, lies my ego....and that's how this all relates. When I start berating myself for not doing enough....not enough stretching, not enough cross training, not enough yoga, not enough prayer....that's when I know my ego is taking the bit and has pushed God aside. I don't know where all this guilt comes from, but it's there. I never do/have/am enough. It's the 'hole in the donut' thing: constantly looking for some "thing" to fill the hole when in reality, my wholeness lies in Being. My spiritual foundation tells me I'm whole just the way I am (despite what I may feel).

I'm reading Phil Jackson's Sacred Hoops and last night I reached the part when the New York Knicks beat the LA Lakers for the '72 championship.
"The postgame festivities in L.A. were exhilarating. This the pinnacle of my sports career to that point, the moment I had been striving for with all my heart since I was a kid. And yet two days later when we gathered again in New York for a celebration with family and friends...suddenly the thrill was gone.... Instead of being overwhelmed with joy, I felt empty and confused. Was this it? I kept saying to myself. Is this what was supposed to bring me happiness?"

While I'm no famous, mega-athlete, I am doing something I've NEVER done before, but secretly wished I could--I run. And when I read those words, I knew exactly what Jackson was talking about because I experienced it after completing the Chicago Marathon. "Instead of being overwhelmed with joy, I felt empty and confused." I did not feel as if I'd completed something amazing. I did not feel victorious in seeing my goal through. I felt empty and definately confused.

Phil Jackson was in his early 30s when he began experiencing these epiphanies. I was 30 when I experienced my first, that I am an alcoholic. Here I am 40, and still solidly on that sacred path of sobriety, but I've carved a space into my life for running. And in the nearly 2 years I've been hitting the road, I'm beginning to trust in Being.

Last year, I was downright obsessed with training for Chicago. So much so that I gave no mind to my inner voice. My ego was in control. What happened? I ended up in physical therapy 3 different times between April and September, ignored many of the suggestions for first time marathoners, and while I completed the event, I'd wrecked my body so bad it took a month for my feet to stop hurting.

I don't have a ton of deep insight today, but I am slowly growing more aware of my inner voice. I'm more aware of my body and its little aches and pains. I'm more aware of the need to "chillax" and change up my training program. I'm sure some of this is due to experience-I'm no longer a first timer. But I'm hopeful that it's more than that....I'm hopeful that I'll continue to listen to that inner voice, and in doing so, loosen the rigidity of training. I'm hopeful that I'll grow more trusting of the process and thus, more trusting of Being.

As an old friend of mine used to say, "We're human beings not human doings." Some days I understand this. Many days I just don't get it. But for today, I know God watches me and is with me, whether I'm running, sitting, reading, working--God is with me...

...eye is on the sparrow.

Feb. 5, 2011--B-rrry Scurry

4.04 miles/09:03 pace/226th in a field of 659:

Meh!!! Despite this being the fastest I've run an event, I didn't fuel well, thus didn't feel well--no cereal, no vitamins, just grabbed a plain bagel and coffee before running out the door for more coffee with friends. En route I stopped at a gas station for a Mtn. Dew, Tootsie Roll log and bag of sour gummy worms. Yeah, DUMBA$$!!!!

By the time the race came around at Noon I'd failed to put a drop of water in my body or really anything that would count as a fuel. Fortunately the weather was nice and the course was flat. I ran, but had trouble getting comfortable with my pace and felt tired and breathless the whole time (hmmm, wonder why?). I even stopped and walked a few steps around the 2.5 mile marker. But I'd hoped to get a time of 36:59 or better and did accomplish that. Frowny Face for my non-negative splits: 8:56, 9:03, 9:16, and 9:06 with an extra 20 seconds for the .04 on my Garmin.

That's me in the pink top #478 with about a quarter mile to go. Fortunately no aches/pains/injuries. Just no "umph" and outta gas!

Jan. 15, 2011--Frostbite Footrace aka Big F'er

5.01 miles/9:52 pace

HOLY SHITAKI MUSHROOMS did this race kick the crap outta me! I should look on the bright side and that is, this time last year, I couldn't run 5 miles, let alone do it under 50 min. But that's about the only bright spot...

Occurring in Iowa's Scott County Park, when Hubs and I lived closer, we used to bike through it. The hills were a great challenge. That was 10 years ago....my how the mind has a way of forgetting the pain. Where we live now, I have the opportunity to run a lot of hills, lots of looong hills. The hills in Scott County Park are, by comparison, WALLS. And some of them are really tall walls!

Fortunately I didn't suffer any major aches, strains or pains and because I like to start out in the back of the pack, I passed more then I was passed. That said, I really had a chance to check myself mentally and look at my competitive nature. Here's the ugliness that I saw A) when I see other girl runners, my initial reaction is to size them up in judgement; B) if they pass me, I curse them (internally) and if I pass them, I cheer them (again, internally). How AWFUL! I SUCK!!!

I recognized this within the first couple miles so I countered it by cheering (not in my head, but with my voice) the lead female after she hit the turn around and was running toward me. I also cheered on the lead guys. As the race neared its end, I (mentally) cheered and sent well wishes to the women in front of me. Several times during the race, I had to stop and walk. I really hate, hate, HATE when I have to do this, but again, I checked my competitive nature and saw the need to accept the fact that, for me, walking is sometimes gonna be part of the race.

When it comes down to it, whether we won, PRed, walked it or finished dead last, we did it...on a cold January day, when most people were camped on the couch.

I now see how vital it is for me to be a channel for positive energy toward my fellow female runners. Whether or not any of "My Girls" have caught on to this character defect, I sincerely apologize and promise to see you as the amazing women you are...not my competition.

Shoes from hell

Upon reading that initial entry and seeing where it ended, I felt I needed to vent on the shoe bidness! Everyone told me how vital it was to be properly fit at a proper running store. So I did just that, headed down to THE running store in my area. This was in September 2009. I prepared myself for not being taken seriously, because I did NOT look like a runner. I was more like the Stay-Puff Marshmellow Man and so when I approached the salesman, I outted myself immediately, stating something to the effect of, "Hey, I know I don't look like a runner, but I'm trying. Can you help me?"

He seemed pretty friendly, had me take off my shoes and sized me. I told him I had my old shoes in the car and asked if he needed to see them and he said, "Nah." Then he told me that it looked as if I had high arches. Hmmm, there was this little twinge in my gut that told me this wasn't right. I was 38 years old and had NEVAH been told I had high arches, but whatev, he was the running dude so he knows what he's doing, right?

He put me in the Nike Moto and asked what I thought. They didn't feel awful, but they didn't feel great either. "Maybe that was just the way it goes with running shoes," I guessed, so I shelled out the 100 clams and headed off.

By late March of 2010, I'd logged nearly 300 miles in the shoes and was battling ongoing hip problems that began in November of 2009. Given that I'd suffered a case of hip bursitis in the fall of 1990, I figured it was something that I simply had to suck up and deal with. Unfortunately by early April it was becoming unbearable and I wasn't able to run. Thinking my shoes were tanked, I returned to the running store to buy new shoes and told the salesman (a different one this time) what I'd worn and about my previous visit and he looked a little surprised about the high arches but shrugged his shoulders and fetched a pair of Saucony Pro Grids (since I told him I'd like to try something new).

The hip problem didn't improve and I was quickly beginning to worry about running the Christie Clinic Illinois Half Marathon that was slated for May 1. After seeing my doctor and being referred to an osteopath who referred me to physical therapy, I started getting ultrasound therapy in April, but it was too late. I had to take a knee at Illinois. =(

When I resumed training in May, I was feeling good about the physical therapy and the exercises they'd given me. But in June, when marathon training began for Chicago 10.10.10, the hip issue reared its ugly head and I was back in physical therapy! Through all of this, several running friends questioned me about my shoes, but I assured them I'd been fitted! (The growing gnaw at my gut was that this reknowned running store had F'ed me!)

By early July, I couldn't take the questions from others and in my head so thanks to a Daily Mile friend, it was suggested I visit The Shoe Shack in Dubuque, Iowa. First, they drilled me on my current running as well as my goals then they asked to see my current running shoes (thankfully I was wearing them) so they could judge the tread wear. Then a print of my foot was taken and I was shown that I have MEDIUM arches (medium does not = high). Finally, it was determined that I needed stability plus shoes due to my arches and the amount of mileage I was putting in each week. I left with pairs of Asics Kayanos and Brooks Dyads.

Within the week, the hip pain was GONE!

Moral of the story? Listen to your GUT (and the voices of running friends)!

How it all began...

This post was originally penned on 25 February 2010, almost 1 year ago, back when I was questioning whether or not I wanted to re-enter the foray of blogs. And so it sat in an empty draft folder...and soooo much has changed since then. Rather then fill you in now, I'll just let this one go out into the nether regions and eventually type a little catch up. For now though, here's the beginning of The Mom Bod blog:

Eight miles on a treadmill?! That's right, 8 miles, bee-otches! This, coming from someone who has A) never been a runner and 2) feebly started 'jogging/shuffling/gasping' last June. After smoking some really great grass (sarcasm, people) I've opted to embrace turning the big 4-0 by running the Chicago Marathon this October. So in order to do that, I'm in training.

You may have interred by this blog's name that I am a mom and that I have a bod. Not a bodacious bod, mind you, but a "Mom Bod." You know the bod I'm talking about, right? It's the dimply, pear-shape some of us mother's morph into following the birth of children and the early years of rearing them. The kind of bod that looks really bad in pleated khakis. The kind of bod that stays covered, usually in oversized t-shirts that hang over the butt. The kind of bod I've always feared having, but secretly knew resided within me. Recall the scene in "The Breakfast Club" in which Judd Nelson's character rants at the Molly Ringwold character that she's just waiting to get fat... Hello, I'm that Molly Ringwold character...

Over the past 12.5 years of marriage, suffice it to say, my husband and I have "softened" a bit. He's always been more active than me so his softening has been quite meager compared to mine, but marriage, for some reason, can have that effect on couples. But having been together for this long and adding a couple kids to our family, I'd reached the point where I no longer avoided looking at pictures of myself because Fatty McFatty wasn't so foreign to me anymore. I'd accepted my size 14-16 body and that was that. I'd held out hope of changing it, returning to my pre-marriage sveltness, with different diet aides, forearrays into fitness classes and such, but to be honest, that was such WORK! And let's not forget the sacrifice, Ugh! My two greatest foes are my love for the couch and shitty food. Mmm. Mmm. Good.

WTF? Good?!!! My bod is clinically categorized as 'obese' as I stand at a height of 5'3" with a girth of 174 fun-lovin pounds. And you know what pisses me off? Since starting to walk last May and then jog by June (run by July), I haven't lost one damn POUND!! Do you have any idea of how many expletives I'd like to punch into this post? I find I have to slip into an old Orbit gum commercial to relieve my angst: "Who you callin' a Cootie Queen you, LINT LICKER?!!!"

But last May, in preparing for a family trip to Florida, I went swimsuit shopping and felt so ugly and huge and lonely and sad, that when I got home, I simply put on a pair of tennies and went walking. I had no plan, no intention, I just didn't want to "feel" so lazy and lathargic. If you had told me that 9 months later I'd be training for a May 1 half marathon and an Oct. 10 full marathon, I would have punched you in the head for making such mockery of me because surely there was no way in HELL that I would ever be a runner.

And yet here I am. I waited until August before I went to a running store and shelled out the bucks for a good pair of shoes because I know myself, I am a flake! And I flake out on sorts of things and people, but I figured if I was still running by September, chances are, I'd keep going for a while. And I have. In fact, I've logged over 200 miles in the new shoes!