It's hard to wrap one's head around such sadness, especially when I see how it has effected some of my friends. One is having a particularly hard time with it and has been beating himself up for not having done more for this person. All week I've found myself sharing about a God who loves and never abandons.
I don't believe God "let" her die. I believe in a Being who created us to experience life fully; a Being who will not stand in the way of our choices, and regardless of whether that Being "likes" our choices, does not abandon us because of them. I understand from my own experience that it sure feels as if God leaves me, but that just brings to mind the Footprints poem. God is with me and in me.
So how does this relate to my running? In my fear of losing my willingness to run, lies my ego....and that's how this all relates. When I start berating myself for not doing enough....not enough stretching, not enough cross training, not enough yoga, not enough prayer....that's when I know my ego is taking the bit and has pushed God aside. I don't know where all this guilt comes from, but it's there. I never do/have/am enough. It's the 'hole in the donut' thing: constantly looking for some "thing" to fill the hole when in reality, my wholeness lies in Being. My spiritual foundation tells me I'm whole just the way I am (despite what I may feel).
I'm reading Phil Jackson's Sacred Hoops and last night I reached the part when the New York Knicks beat the LA Lakers for the '72 championship.
"The postgame festivities in L.A. were exhilarating. This the pinnacle of my sports career to that point, the moment I had been striving for with all my heart since I was a kid. And yet two days later when we gathered again in New York for a celebration with family and friends...suddenly the thrill was gone.... Instead of being overwhelmed with joy, I felt empty and confused. Was this it? I kept saying to myself. Is this what was supposed to bring me happiness?"
While I'm no famous, mega-athlete, I am doing something I've NEVER done before, but secretly wished I could--I run. And when I read those words, I knew exactly what Jackson was talking about because I experienced it after completing the Chicago Marathon. "Instead of being overwhelmed with joy, I felt empty and confused." I did not feel as if I'd completed something amazing. I did not feel victorious in seeing my goal through. I felt empty and definately confused.
Phil Jackson was in his early 30s when he began experiencing these epiphanies. I was 30 when I experienced my first, that I am an alcoholic. Here I am 40, and still solidly on that sacred path of sobriety, but I've carved a space into my life for running. And in the nearly 2 years I've been hitting the road, I'm beginning to trust in Being.
Last year, I was downright obsessed with training for Chicago. So much so that I gave no mind to my inner voice. My ego was in control. What happened? I ended up in physical therapy 3 different times between April and September, ignored many of the suggestions for first time marathoners, and while I completed the event, I'd wrecked my body so bad it took a month for my feet to stop hurting.
I don't have a ton of deep insight today, but I am slowly growing more aware of my inner voice. I'm more aware of my body and its little aches and pains. I'm more aware of the need to "chillax" and change up my training program. I'm sure some of this is due to experience-I'm no longer a first timer. But I'm hopeful that it's more than that....I'm hopeful that I'll continue to listen to that inner voice, and in doing so, loosen the rigidity of training. I'm hopeful that I'll grow more trusting of the process and thus, more trusting of Being.
As an old friend of mine used to say, "We're human beings not human doings." Some days I understand this. Many days I just don't get it. But for today, I know God watches me and is with me, whether I'm running, sitting, reading, working--God is with me...
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